THE HOLIDAYS ARE HARD

My day-to-day life in Florida is wonderful. The weather is basically perfect for 75% of the year, the people are so friendly, the military is giving my fiancé the opportunity to pursue his dream career, and so. much. more. But sometimes you just need to wallow in self-pity for a moment. This is my moment.

What’s the worst part about living 1,000 miles away from home? Missing the burial of your great-grandmother, not being at the hospital when your grandpa fell and hit his head, not seeing a single game of your brother’s last basketball season, the huge chunks of life you miss as your cousins grow up, and all of the little moments and memories that you are not a part of. The worst part is being emotionally distant from your family. Not because they are trying to exclude you, not because you’ve isolated yourself; simply because you are not physically there for the afflictions of everyday life.

There are no late night talks over a bottle of wine with your aunt; there are no homemade dinners from your grandma, no running to your mom’s house when you need a pick me up, no rounds of HORSE with your dad in the backyard. The holidays together are few and far between. And there’s the guilt that comes with not being there. The guilt is the hardest for me to deal with.

I don’t dwell on these things regularly. I can’t. I miss my family every single day, but I try not to let that drag down the rest of my life. Homesickness rarely bares its ugly head in my world, but the holidays are a big exception.

 My 22^nd birthday was the hardest to date. My fiancé was great. He had flowers delivered to me at work, planned a surprise dolphin cruise, invited friends to come out for a hibachi dinner to celebrate  and truly made my birthday all about me. I got so many phone calls and text messages from family and friends back home. It was a fantastic day and I was on the verge of tears for most of it. It was my first birthday not spent with my family. I realized that I had no trips home planned and had no idea when I would see anyone in my family next. It took me a few days (and buying a plane ticket to visit family in Wisconsin) for me to recover.  I wish I could tell you this has gotten easier with each passing missed holiday, but it hasn’t. The holidays are really, really hard.

Okay. There’s my moment of self-pity. *phew* That was good to get off my chest. 

TRUE LIFE: I PUT MY CAREER ON HOLD FOR A BOY *GASP*

I've had my life planned out for years. That's what I do. I plan. I've always had a one-year plan, a five-year plan, a ten-year plan, and daily/weekly/monthly plans. I'm obsessed with planning. This drives my fiancé insane. He's not a planner. He cannot understand the logic of planning ahead for that many things. He probably has a point, but don't tell him I said that.

During my senior year of high school, I found the field of Speech-Language Pathology and fell head over heels in love. I started planning my career immediately. I would go to college at Central Michigan University and major in Communication Disorders. I would graduate as soon as possible, attend a Masters program for Speech-Language Pathology, take the PRAXIS exam, complete my CFY, find a school district that I love, buy a dog, and start my dream career before 24. Nothing would get in my way.

HA! HA! HA! If only life worked like that.

Entering college, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married. With the divorce rate being roughly 50% in the United States, I just couldn't understand the draw of investing that much time and energy into a person. Don't get me wrong, I was a serial dater in high school and loved having a boyfriend. I just never quite thought I'd be one to fall in love. So, obviously, there was no way a boy would throw my life plan offtrack. *Phew* One less thing for me to worry about...

Roughly a week into my college career, I met Dave, who is now my soon-to-be husband. I was starry eyed, but career-driven. I actually told him that I would never date him. What would be the point? I wasn't going to get married and I was serious about my life plan. As the semester went on, Friday nights out together turned into Thursday nights in. By Spring semester, I had a boyfriend. *Eye Roll* That's okay though, right? I could still have my life plan, even with a boyfriend; even if this relationship actually went somewhere...

One short year later, my (now serious) boyfriend was in his second to last year of college and really figuring out what he wanted to do with his life. Unannounced to me, he had been considering joining the military since he graduated high school. During Christmas break, he decided this was the career path he wanted to pursue. I cried before I went to bed the night he told me. My airtight career plan was put into a topsy-tursy tailspin. I knew nothing about the military. A million questions ran through my head at once. After much deliberating, I decided the only thing that could truly get in the way of my career was myself. My life plan could definitely stay on track.

I finished school a semester early and was able to graduate summa cum laude with my bachelor's degree just before he graduated from Officer Candidate School. I was accepted into the Master of Arts in Speech-Language Pathology at the University of Central Florida. He would go to flight school in Pensacola for a couple years, and while he was there, I would complete my graduate education in Orlando.

My parents & I on my graduation day.

Except I couldn't. I was burned out from school. Dave and I had already been together for three years and long distance for half of that time. We had never even lived together. Did I really want to spend any more time on a relationship if I wasn't 100% sure it would last? My life plan had officially fallen apart. Shortly after he got his phone back at OCS, Dave was greeted with a text message saying I wouldn't be going to grad school, I would be moving to Pensacola with him. School could wait, I needed to figure out what military life was all about.

It has been over a year since I moved to Pensacola and I stand by my decision to put my career on hold. Although I have tried, I have no concrete plans for grad school. I am not sure where I will get my masters degree or when I will start my dream career. In the past year, I have gained a better understanding of myself, valuable job experience, a new-found appreciation for my personal sanity, a great group of friends, and the reassurance that, even after living together and dealing with all sorts of stress, my fiance and I make a phenomenal team.

I know many military wives do not put their plans on hold for their spouse. They choose to be long-distance while they finish their degree and start their career. This is truly admirable. I am so happy they are able to pursue what they want to do while their husband pursues his career in the military. That is not the path I chose and that is okay. I have been here to support my fiance during the trials and tribulations of flight school. I know that he will offer me the same support when my turn finally comes around.

Planning is an essential part of my life. When I don't have a plan, I feel stagnant, trapped, and anxious. Planning is also worthless at this specific point in my life. The uncertainty of flight school makes it impossible for me to have any sort of long-term plan. Do I let this stop me from making long-term plans? Hell, no! I've been cut by this double-edged sword more than once in the past year. Luckily, I have my fiancé who reluctantly goes along as I hatch out my new timeline. (Surely, just to be disappointed by it in a few months) At the end of the day, I know Dave will eventually wing and flight school will end. By the time we reach our next duty station, it will be my time to shine!

The future Mr. & Mrs.